Every child, indeed every adult, needs to know they matter. They need to know that they are connected to others. Circle of Courage philosophy refers to this as Belonging, and resiliency research characterizes this as relationship. In a nutshell, each of us needs to know there are others who care about us, to whom we matter, and that we are an important part of their world. For children, this provides them with a sense of their place in the world: who they are in relation to those around them. Children who do not feel this connection often become isolated and disconnected from the people around them. The ability to form and maintain the kinds of relationships that satisfy this need for belonging is not innate, and children must be taught the value of relationships. This requires helping children develop a sense of other-mindedness, that is, the ability to see a situation or an event the way another sees it. This other-mindedness is the beginning of the development of empathy. Time and again I see adults sending implicit messages to children that they don't matter. Our agenda is often pressing and urgent, and pausing every time a child calls to us is difficult. Sadly, the response I see most is the adult ignoring the child. Over time, we run the risk of sending the message that they don't matter. As time passes and the belief that they don't matter takes root, the outcomes are predictable: isolation and depression, misuse or abuse of alcohol and drugs, or the formation of maladaptive relationships that can lead to gang involvement. Often, for children especially, the message I matter can be conveyed through the message I see you or I hear you. One doesn't have to venture farther than the closest playground to hear children calling "Look at me". Knowing that they are seen, knowing that they are heard, teaches children that they matter. Teaching them that they matter teaches them that they belong, that they have a place in the world, and that they are important. As adults, we feel this need to varying degrees as well...the need to be recognized, the need to be loved, the need to have connection with others in our world. We are warmed and nourished by these connections and draw strength from them. Each of us, regardless of stature or station, needs to hear "You matter".
You have a choice.
Every child, as they grow, must be taught that, in most circumstances, they have a choice. This lesson can be taught to children as young as toddlers, and is a lesson that continues to be learned well into adulthood. Learning that they have a choice requires an environment that has well defined limits and consequences. This may seem counter-intuitive, but an environment with well defined limits and consequences, while from an adult point of view may seem prescriptive, is in fact from a child's point of view safe and predictable. Because limits, rules, expectations and consequences are clear doesn't mean a child will not challenge them. In fact, all children over time, will challenge limits, rules and expectations - this is the very nature of growing up. But challenging expectations requires risk. A child is more likely to take that risk when the consequences are predictable.
The magic lies in how the parent communicates with the child when they challenge the expectations. All too often the scenario plays out where a child challenges the parent, a battle of wills ensues, and both child and parent end up angry and frustrated. This scenario is played out time and again as the parent gets caught in ever-increasing power struggles that can only end in frustration and anger. Consider the alternative: the child challenges the parent, and the parent responds by pointing out to the child the behavior is a choice, and then perhaps, in the spirit of coaching, asks the child; What might be the consequence if you do that (see the need for predictability?). The child will likely respond that they don't care. This is fine, and often appropriate. The parent reaffirms for the child that this is a choice. The child takes the risk, challenges the expectation, and as a result a consequence occurs, either naturally or imposed by the parent. As the consequence is imposed, the parent reminds the child that there was a choice, and the consequence is simply the result of the choice. The power struggle is removed, and the child is less likely to feel as though the parent is doing something to them, and more likely to feel that they have brought this on themselves. This learning is not lost on a child, and the next time an expectation is challenged, the child sees a little more clearly the connection between their choice, and the consequences of that choice. To see this connection clearly is a life skill that serves them well as they grow older. We all make choices with respect to our behavior, the wisest of us make those choices in consideration of the consequences of those choices. It is not difficult to see how, as children grow into teenagers and young adults that the importance of seeing the connection between making a choice and the consequences of that choice becomes a life skill. A child raised to see behavior as choice, and consequence as a function of that choice is more likely to weigh the odds with respect to risk taking behavior as a teenager and make healthy choices.
Where rules and expectations are not clear, and consequences inconsistent, children fail to make a connection between choice and consequence, and often come to see consequence as something that is "done to them by someone with more power". Clear rules and expectations, coupled with consistent consequences provides a predictable environment where children can take a risk, experiment with decision making, and learn that choice determines consequence. In the end, the child grows to learn that they are in control, and play a major role through their choices in determining what happens to them.
You are capable.
Every child must learn as they grow that they are capable. Capable of surviving difficult times, capable of dealing with hardship, capable of managing disappointment, and capable of solving the problems that life throws our way. My parents used to describe it as "When the going gets tough, the tough get going". They weren't describing a physical toughness, but rather an emotional toughness that provides you with the courage and hope to know that no matter what is happening at any given moment, you will get through it, you will be better for it, and you will emerge from it stronger. Sadly, we seem to be bubble-wrapping our children these days, trying to protect them from all manner of disappointment and harm. Everywhere I turn I see helicopter parents trying to protect their children from having to experience the consequences of life and choice. Coaches are asked not to emphasize who wins. Teachers are challenged when a low mark is assigned to a poorly completed assignment. Bad behavior in public is overlooked in order to not embarrass the child. Unfortunately, when we take this step of shielding our children from disappointment and harm, we do nothing to teach them how to handle disappointment and harm when it does come their way...and it will. Even as adults, life throws us curves and we must learn to manage the disappointment or heal the hurt that results. Our capacity to do this begins when we are children, and we are taught that we will get through it, we will be better for it, and we will be stronger as a result of it. Adversity, challenge, disappointment and hurt are not life traumas we need to protect our children from, they are the teaching moments that allow us to prepare our children to be healthy strong adults who will be able to manage those inevitable curve balls that are bound to come their way! Protect them from disappointment and harm and you teach them only to look to someone else to solve their problems. Allow them to experience disappointment and harm and live through it with them, and you teach them that they are strong and capable.
You are loved.
This would seem to be the easiest of the messages every child needs to hear every day. Every parent tells their child that they love them. We say it often. We say it in the context of a hug, or when we are saying good night, or when we are proud of something they have done. Seems simple, right? But what about when we are angry, or disappointed? As we convey our anger or disappointment to a child, do we ensure that they still know we love them. I am pretty sure that most children don’t feel all that loved by a parent who has just yelled at them, or lost their temper, or even just expressed the exasperation or frustration that comes with the territory of being a parent. For a child, this can often begin to feel like “They love me when I am good” or “they love me when I do good things”. The danger that comes with this line of thinking is the corollary that develops: “I am not loved when I am not good” or “I am not loved when I have made a mistake or done something wrong”. In truth, our children, and even we as adults, thrive when we are loved unconditionally; when we know with absolute certainty that we are loved no matter what. When caring and support is perceived as conditional, it sets up a power dynamic where most if not all children will inevitably disappoint the parent, and this disappointment is then communicated to the child by the parent. The result is that the child experiences an increasing sense of isolation and alienation. This alienation eventually results in a lack of engagement in the world around them.
Consider the difference when one provides
unconditional love and
acceptance. Unconditional love implies that this love is unshakeable,
unalterable, unwavering and unconditional. Parenting with unconditional
love implies that there will be at least one constant in the incredible
sea of emotion
in which children grow up. Parenting, discipline, imposing
consequences, teaching limits and boundaries is what you do. How you do
this is the important part. Here is the challenge…Every interaction has
one of three outcomes: relationship is weakened, the
same, or strengthened. Mother Teresa said “Let no one come to you who
doesn’t leave better and happier”. This, to me, is the real challenge of
parenting. To do all the things you must do as a parent, and yet leave a
child better and happier. This doesn’t mean
giving in, or giving the child whatever they want. If we are clear on
limits and consequences, then our anger or our disappointment is more
about the choice a child has made. The child perceives that although
disappointed with the choice they made, they are
still loved. In the end, whether they have done well or fallen short of
the mark, the child’s perception that they are loved
no matter what remains unshaken.
I believe in you.
Telling a child "I believe in you" is more about what we do as adults than what we say. It is about setting high expectations for our children. It is about teaching them to do their best, regardless of the job and regardless of the circumstance. It is about helping them understand that if they do their best, then regardless of outcome, they have not failed.
In today's world, "good enough" seems to have become the bar by which we measure effort. We are surrounded by examples of people who believe that if the job is completed, that is good enough. My parents used to describe this kind of performance as "mailing it in". It took me a while to understand that what this meant was "they couldn't be bothered to show up", meaning that although they were present physically, they were not 100% present and invested in what they were doing.
Sadly today's icons, the "heroes" our children are likely to look to as role models, although among the highest paid members of our society, are most likely to "mail it in". Athletes endure a season in their sport hoping to be good enough to make it to the playoffs. Then they will be prepared to give their best. Hollywood provides countless examples of "good enough", where it is more important for a studio to crank out 10 films in the hopes that one will be a financial success. The music industry relies on technology and effects to camouflage "good enough" in order to make it appear to be "best effort".
When done is considered "good enough" our children are robbed of the opportunity to experience the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. A job well done allows one to develop a sense of pride, a sense of accomplishment, and the confidence that comes from mastering a task. The size of the reward is a direct result of the investment of effort into the task. Is it really any surprise that as more and more people feel entitled, and believe that life should have an easy button that one of our biggest challenges is a growing sense of malaise and loss of purpose?
Settling for a job that is "done", or "good enough" sends the wrong message to our children....because it really isn't about the job, it is about the feelings that develop within our children when they have done their best and have a sense of pride in their accomplishment. High expectations...not because the job matters...but because our children matter.
Your life has purpose.
The sixth, and final message that every child needs to hear every day is your life has purpose. As we all know, it takes some time, some reflection, and some discerning to figure out exactly what that purpose is. The message a child needs to be sure of is that there is a purpose, and you will come to know it in time.
One of the ways that we discern the purpose of our life is in the service of something, or someone, other than ourselves. When children are required to perform acts of service, they are provided with the opportunity to develop empathy. We suggest to children that acts of service be performed because of the benefit it provides to others. When children are small, this act of service might look like making a get well card, and we often suggest to them that "if you do this for grandma, she will be so happy". As they grow older, acts of service take on a larger scale, but with the same "it will make someone else happy" theme, like shoveling the snow or cutting the grass of a neighbour. This is how we learn about empathy; through the acts of services that benefit others rather than one's self.
In our world today, the development of this attribute of empathy is often overlooked in favour of what I want, or what feels good to me, or what matters to me. Sadly, in the long run, one rarely gains satisfaction from the pursuit of things that benefit self. On the other hand, I know of many people who dedicate many hours every week in the service of others. I am blessed to know them, and have observed them to be among the happiest and most fulfilled people I know.
It has been said that the purpose of life is a life of purpose. It doesn't matter what purpose, only that there is one.When we find a purpose in the service of others, we find a reward within ourselves that cannot be found any other way.
I started these 6 messages in part as a response to my son's suicide. Today marks the first anniversary of that tragic day, and I regret not knowing whether or not he ever really found his purpose. I know he loved the stage, and loved to entertain, and this was at least in part his purpose. Now that he is gone, and I am left sifting through memories of life gone from us all to soon, I also like to think that in part, his purpose was to remind us of what really matters. Empathy. Look around. Our world is full of people hurting. In ways we have know nothing about. Reach out. Lend a hand. Make at least a part of the purpose of your life to be about service to others. In the words of Mother Teresa, let no one come to you who doesn't leave better and happier. It is easily done. In small ways. A smile. A touch. A hug. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be better off as a result of any of these. Thank you Adam.
I believe in you.
Telling a child "I believe in you" is more about what we do as adults than what we say. It is about setting high expectations for our children. It is about teaching them to do their best, regardless of the job and regardless of the circumstance. It is about helping them understand that if they do their best, then regardless of outcome, they have not failed.
In today's world, "good enough" seems to have become the bar by which we measure effort. We are surrounded by examples of people who believe that if the job is completed, that is good enough. My parents used to describe this kind of performance as "mailing it in". It took me a while to understand that what this meant was "they couldn't be bothered to show up", meaning that although they were present physically, they were not 100% present and invested in what they were doing.
Sadly today's icons, the "heroes" our children are likely to look to as role models, although among the highest paid members of our society, are most likely to "mail it in". Athletes endure a season in their sport hoping to be good enough to make it to the playoffs. Then they will be prepared to give their best. Hollywood provides countless examples of "good enough", where it is more important for a studio to crank out 10 films in the hopes that one will be a financial success. The music industry relies on technology and effects to camouflage "good enough" in order to make it appear to be "best effort".
When done is considered "good enough" our children are robbed of the opportunity to experience the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. A job well done allows one to develop a sense of pride, a sense of accomplishment, and the confidence that comes from mastering a task. The size of the reward is a direct result of the investment of effort into the task. Is it really any surprise that as more and more people feel entitled, and believe that life should have an easy button that one of our biggest challenges is a growing sense of malaise and loss of purpose?
Settling for a job that is "done", or "good enough" sends the wrong message to our children....because it really isn't about the job, it is about the feelings that develop within our children when they have done their best and have a sense of pride in their accomplishment. High expectations...not because the job matters...but because our children matter.
Your life has purpose.
The sixth, and final message that every child needs to hear every day is your life has purpose. As we all know, it takes some time, some reflection, and some discerning to figure out exactly what that purpose is. The message a child needs to be sure of is that there is a purpose, and you will come to know it in time.
One of the ways that we discern the purpose of our life is in the service of something, or someone, other than ourselves. When children are required to perform acts of service, they are provided with the opportunity to develop empathy. We suggest to children that acts of service be performed because of the benefit it provides to others. When children are small, this act of service might look like making a get well card, and we often suggest to them that "if you do this for grandma, she will be so happy". As they grow older, acts of service take on a larger scale, but with the same "it will make someone else happy" theme, like shoveling the snow or cutting the grass of a neighbour. This is how we learn about empathy; through the acts of services that benefit others rather than one's self.
In our world today, the development of this attribute of empathy is often overlooked in favour of what I want, or what feels good to me, or what matters to me. Sadly, in the long run, one rarely gains satisfaction from the pursuit of things that benefit self. On the other hand, I know of many people who dedicate many hours every week in the service of others. I am blessed to know them, and have observed them to be among the happiest and most fulfilled people I know.
It has been said that the purpose of life is a life of purpose. It doesn't matter what purpose, only that there is one.When we find a purpose in the service of others, we find a reward within ourselves that cannot be found any other way.
I started these 6 messages in part as a response to my son's suicide. Today marks the first anniversary of that tragic day, and I regret not knowing whether or not he ever really found his purpose. I know he loved the stage, and loved to entertain, and this was at least in part his purpose. Now that he is gone, and I am left sifting through memories of life gone from us all to soon, I also like to think that in part, his purpose was to remind us of what really matters. Empathy. Look around. Our world is full of people hurting. In ways we have know nothing about. Reach out. Lend a hand. Make at least a part of the purpose of your life to be about service to others. In the words of Mother Teresa, let no one come to you who doesn't leave better and happier. It is easily done. In small ways. A smile. A touch. A hug. I don't know anyone who wouldn't be better off as a result of any of these. Thank you Adam.
No comments :
Post a Comment