A friend of mine passed away last week. We first knew each other as colleagues, working for the same school district. Lisa, through her work in Human Resources, provided support to me in my role as principal. We had passing conversations and exchanged the usual pleasantries over a period of years. Lisa's health journey was such that she had to take leave from her position with the district in order to focus on her health. Soon after, I retired, and was diagnosed with cancer.
It was through my diagnosis that our paths crossed again. Lisa contacted me to let me know that I was in her thoughts and prayers as I began my journey with my uninvited guest. At the time, she was resting and preparing, through daily exercise and physio, to undergo a double lung transplant. We had an opportunity to bond a little closer as we both dealt with the challenges that our health had thrown our way.
Although Lisa underwent her transplant in early April of this year. What followed was a series of ups and downs, progress and setbacks. Eventually the challenges and setbacks took their toll. Throughout her struggles, Lisa shared an optimism and a joy for the little things that profoundly touched those of us who followed her story.
I have found myself whispering a silent prayer this past week. I am sure it was one that often found a home in Lisa's heart as well...Just one more day, please Lord, give me just one more day.
I have been blessed. My battle with cancer is, for the moment, complete. I have been able to return to most of the activities that I did before my treatments. I have been given one more day. Each morning now brings with it the realization that I have been given one more day. How blessed can one be? Each morning my lovely wife Annette greets me with a hug and calls me her daily blessing. I am blessed to have one more day.
I am sure that when my end comes, whether it be sudden or anticipated, I will find myself wishing for just one more day. One more day to see the sun, to share with family, to say I love you. One more day to make a difference, to make amends. I hope, in my heart, that like Lisa, when that day arrives, I will go peacefully, knowing that I have made good use of the days given to me: that I will have said I love you often enough, that I will have made a difference, that I will have made amends.
All I need is just one more day...
Sunday 21 October 2012
Saturday 6 October 2012
Forgiveness
Many people have difficulty with forgiveness. Usually this is because they consider forgiveness to be the equivalent of letting someone off the hook, or that forgiveness, like some magic eraser, will suggest that the transgression never happened in the first place. Others think that forgiving a transgressor for their transgression means that the offender will not be held accountable for their actions. Finally, some feel that if they do not forgive then their withdrawal of emotional connection continues to "punish" the transgressor.
The truth is, none of these have anything to do with forgiveness. The first example, letting someone off the hook, suggests that somehow it is our responsibility to ensure a sufficient amount of pain is experienced that will somehow "even the score". In the second case, the magic eraser, we accept in our life the metaphorical equivalent that somehow, sweeping the dirt under the rug where it cannot be seen means the room is clean. In the third example, it is important to note that forgiveness has nothing to do with accountability. The offender should be held accountable for their actions, whether they are forgiven or not. The last case, where one uses emotion to punish another is the most misguided of all. Relationships are weakened and eventually destroyed by a belief system that suggests we must even the score, or punish another so that they will hurt as much as we do.
So why then do we forgive. We forgive because of what the act of forgiveness does for us. By forgiving a transgressor, we are saying that we no longer wish to bear the burden of what was done or said to us. This is different than holding someone accountable. A simplistic story to illustrate the point: Frank comes home late for dinner because he went for a few drinks with his colleagues after work. Susan had worked hard to prepare a special meal that evening. As a result she expresses her frustration with Frank by suggesting that if he cared he would have called or come home on time. Frank responds by suggesting that if she cared about him she would understand the stress he was under and his need to blow off some steam. Frank's comment hurts Susan, because it was precisely because she knew the stress he was under that she had prepared a special meal.
Why then does Susan forgive Frank? Not for what it does for Frank, but for what it does for Susan. By forgiving Frank, Susan is saying I am no longer willing to carry the burden of this. She may still be angry. There is still a need to address some of the underlying issues to strengthen their relationship. Frank still needs to be held accountable for his original behavior (coming home late without telling Susan, as well as whether or not he truly believes that Susan doesn't care about him). By forgiving Frank, Susan says to herself I am OK. I am not defined by the events that just occurred. I am not defined by Frank's thoughts or beliefs. I am who I am, and that has not changed. In a way, Susan frees herself from the event by recognizing that the event does not redefine her.
Notice that Susan's forgiveness is not contingent on Frank saying I am sorry. In the five examples at the start of this post, the route to forgiveness begins with the offender saying I am sorry. An expressed apology is not a prerequisite to forgiveness. In fact, an expressed apology is not even necessary for me to forgive another. All that is necessary is for me to be willing to acknowledge that although the transgression has had an impact on me, I am unwilling to allow myself to be defined by that impact. I forgive, not for what it does for you, but for what it does for me.
The truth is, none of these have anything to do with forgiveness. The first example, letting someone off the hook, suggests that somehow it is our responsibility to ensure a sufficient amount of pain is experienced that will somehow "even the score". In the second case, the magic eraser, we accept in our life the metaphorical equivalent that somehow, sweeping the dirt under the rug where it cannot be seen means the room is clean. In the third example, it is important to note that forgiveness has nothing to do with accountability. The offender should be held accountable for their actions, whether they are forgiven or not. The last case, where one uses emotion to punish another is the most misguided of all. Relationships are weakened and eventually destroyed by a belief system that suggests we must even the score, or punish another so that they will hurt as much as we do.
So why then do we forgive. We forgive because of what the act of forgiveness does for us. By forgiving a transgressor, we are saying that we no longer wish to bear the burden of what was done or said to us. This is different than holding someone accountable. A simplistic story to illustrate the point: Frank comes home late for dinner because he went for a few drinks with his colleagues after work. Susan had worked hard to prepare a special meal that evening. As a result she expresses her frustration with Frank by suggesting that if he cared he would have called or come home on time. Frank responds by suggesting that if she cared about him she would understand the stress he was under and his need to blow off some steam. Frank's comment hurts Susan, because it was precisely because she knew the stress he was under that she had prepared a special meal.
Why then does Susan forgive Frank? Not for what it does for Frank, but for what it does for Susan. By forgiving Frank, Susan is saying I am no longer willing to carry the burden of this. She may still be angry. There is still a need to address some of the underlying issues to strengthen their relationship. Frank still needs to be held accountable for his original behavior (coming home late without telling Susan, as well as whether or not he truly believes that Susan doesn't care about him). By forgiving Frank, Susan says to herself I am OK. I am not defined by the events that just occurred. I am not defined by Frank's thoughts or beliefs. I am who I am, and that has not changed. In a way, Susan frees herself from the event by recognizing that the event does not redefine her.
Notice that Susan's forgiveness is not contingent on Frank saying I am sorry. In the five examples at the start of this post, the route to forgiveness begins with the offender saying I am sorry. An expressed apology is not a prerequisite to forgiveness. In fact, an expressed apology is not even necessary for me to forgive another. All that is necessary is for me to be willing to acknowledge that although the transgression has had an impact on me, I am unwilling to allow myself to be defined by that impact. I forgive, not for what it does for you, but for what it does for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)