When we have the least to give...

Our world has been rocked pretty hard in the past week. Tuesday afternoon we heard of  three killed in a mall near Portland Oregon. In the midst of prayers and services, tragedy struck again in Newtown, Connecticut, as we read and heard that 20 children, 6 women, and the gunman himself died in a school shooting.

As I try to wrap my head around these tragedies, and others that occur seemingly far too often, I am reminded of something I often said to those I worked with as an educator. As each holiday would approach, I would often remind my staff, who were growing tired and looking forward to a Christmas break that “it is when we have the least to give that they need us the most”.

This week’s events seem to fit into that category for me as well. Two desperate souls, who clearly felt they had no where to turn and no one to turn to, allowed the evil that lurks within to surface and dictate their actions. How do we explain these senseless acts? Simply, we cannot. There is no rational explanation for irrational acts.

We can however, that these two desperate souls were feeling lost, alone, and feeling a level of despair that few of us ever experience. No doubt there were people in their lives who cared for them, who loved them, who valued them, and who nurtured them. Equally certain, they did not see or feel this love, care and concern.

Tomorrow marks the third Sunday of Advent. As Christmas approaches, we will get busier and the pace of life will increase. Remember to look around in the coming 10 days... for surely there are those among us who are feeling desperate, who are lost, alone and frightened. Though you may feel you have little left to give, never underestimate the power of a kind word or a thoughtful gesture. It may make a world of difference to someone teetering on the edge.

Let us make a promise to those at the mall in Oregon, at the school in Connecticut, and others who have lost their lives in senseless tragedies: Let us promise that their deaths will serve as reminders to us that we live in a hurting world, and that hurt people end up hurting people. Let us promise that we will become a little kinder, a little gentler, and a little more willing to reach out and comfort our fellow man. In this way we can honor the dead. In this way we can make a difference. A small difference. But a difference. One person, one gesture at a time.

A Time to Pause, Review and Reflect

Around much of the Christian world, Sunday, December 2 marked the beginning of Advent, a time of preparation. It seems to me that Advent provides all of us with the perfect opportunity to pause, review and reflect.

Taking the opportunity to pause is almost a survival strategy during the hectic and demanding nature of the weeks leading up to Christmas. The hustle and bustle, while enjoyable in small doses, is not a good way to live life everyday. And so we pause. We take a moment, away from the hustle and bustle to re-center ourselves, to remind ourselves that there is more to life than having the latest and greatest things. For some, a pause takes the form of prayer, for some meditation, and for some, a simple opportunity to rest and relax on the couch! Whatever form it takes for you, be sure to find the time to pause.

And once you have paused, and begin to feel centered, it is time to review. Much like a child's letter to Santa, have you been good? Have you done the right thing, the good thing, the hard thing? Or have you, like me, fallen prey to the easy thing, the expedient thing? It happens all too easily and all to frequently. Reviewing the last few days of our lives provides us with the chance to examine our behavior and measure it against what we say we believe. Is our behavior congruent with what we say we believe, or are we guilty of the age old "saying one thing and doing another". Review gives us a chance to put ourselves back on track.

And as we think of getting back on track, we need to reflect on where that track is taking us, and whether or not it continues to be the direction we want to go. Perhaps circumstance or an unexpected experience has left us with the nagging doubt that there is something wrong with the direction we are headed. Reflection provides us with the opportunity to consider where we are going, whether or not we still want to go there, and where else we might, or should go. Are we living our life in a way that is designed to get us where we want to go, helping us to become the person we wish to be?

The Advent Season....certainly a time of preparation and joy, but also a time to pause, review and reflect. Like checking a road map, we can be sure that when we get there, we will be where we want to be!

Seek Peace

In addition to American Thanksgiving, November brings Remembrance Day (Veteran's Day in the U.S.). November 11 is observed in many parts of the world as a celebration of the moment that peace came at the conclusion of hostilities in World War I. Two minutes of silence is a fading concept, though many of us remember standing quietly in school for two minutes at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.

One of the lessons is that peace must be sought, and often fought for and earned. This is as true for each of us in our daily life as it is for Remembrance Day, or Armistice Day as it was previously known. Seeking peace is not a passive act. To seek, or search, requires an energy, an action and a commitment, and on occasion a willingness to take the hard road. Opportunities to seek peace abound in our daily lives, and yet are often overlooked, or simply allowed to pass by without action or response on our part. The joke that utilizes racial stereotypes or the comment that belittles someone  that is left unchallenged by those who hear it is an opportunity to seek peace that is lost. All too often we allow these events to pass without taking exception to the comment, in the misguided belief that "it's not worth fighting about".

This of course raises the question what is worth fighting about? Where would you draw the line? When would you speak up? It has been said that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. I would further suggest that the pursuit of peace is set back a little each time the opportunity to promote peace is allowed to pass by without action.

In our current times, the public attitude about drinking and driving is that it is irresponsible and unacceptable. This was not always the case. One doesn't have to look too far into the past to find a time where driving home drunk and not getting caught was an achievement to be celebrated the next time one gathered for a round of drinks with their friends.

Imagine if our attitudes towards seeking peace underwent this same transformation. Imagine what a world we would have if the telling of a joke utilizing a racial stereotype or a belittling comment resulted in a silent response or even better a response from another that highlighted the inappropriateness of the remark. Imagine the wonder of a world where everyone was seen for what they had, not what they lacked, and everyone was accepted for who they were without judgement. What a wonderful world it would be.

It will take people of peace seeking peace to make this happen. It will require action on the part of those who seek peace to ensure that those who would lessen our opportunities for a peaceful world are confronted in a way that helps them understand that they do not serve any good purpose by promoting stereotypes or disparaging others.

Yes, an end to war in our world in our time would be a significant achievement. A step towards peace, through actively seeking peace at every opportunity may in the short term do little to increase the chances of such an outcome, but wouldn't it make for a better world for each of us.

Just One More Day...

A friend of mine passed away last week. We first knew each other as colleagues, working for the same school district. Lisa, through her work in Human Resources, provided support to me in my role as principal. We had passing conversations and exchanged the usual pleasantries over a period of years. Lisa's health journey was such that she had to take leave from her position with the district in order to focus on her health. Soon after, I retired, and was diagnosed with cancer.

It was through my diagnosis that our paths crossed again. Lisa contacted me to let me know that I was in her thoughts and prayers as I began my journey with my uninvited guest. At the time, she was resting and preparing, through daily exercise and physio, to undergo a double lung transplant. We had an opportunity to bond a little closer as we both dealt with the challenges that our health had thrown our way.

Although Lisa underwent her transplant in early April of this year. What followed was a series of ups and downs, progress and setbacks. Eventually the challenges and setbacks took their toll. Throughout her struggles, Lisa shared an optimism and a joy for the little things that profoundly touched those of us who followed her story.

I have found myself whispering a silent prayer this past week. I am sure it was one that often found a home in Lisa's heart as well...Just one more day, please Lord, give me just one more day.

I have been blessed. My battle with cancer is, for the moment, complete. I have been able to return to most of the activities that I did before my treatments. I have been given one more day. Each morning now brings with it the realization that I have been given one more day. How blessed can one be? Each morning my lovely wife Annette greets me with a hug and calls me her daily blessing. I am blessed to have one more day.

I am sure that when my end comes, whether it be sudden or anticipated, I will find myself wishing for just one more day. One more day to see the sun, to share with family, to say I love you. One more day to make a difference, to make amends. I hope, in my heart, that like Lisa, when that day arrives, I will go peacefully, knowing that I have made good use of the days given to me: that I will have said I love you often enough, that I will have made a difference, that I will have made amends.

All I need is just one more day...

Forgiveness

Many people have difficulty with forgiveness. Usually this is because they consider forgiveness to be the equivalent of letting someone off the hook, or that forgiveness, like some magic eraser, will suggest that the transgression never happened in the first place. Others think that forgiving a transgressor for their transgression means that the offender will not be held accountable for their actions. Finally, some feel that if they do not forgive then their withdrawal of emotional connection continues to "punish" the transgressor.

The truth is, none of these have anything to do with forgiveness. The first example, letting someone off the hook, suggests that somehow it is our responsibility to ensure a sufficient amount of pain is experienced that will somehow "even the score". In the second case, the magic eraser, we accept in our life the metaphorical equivalent that somehow, sweeping the dirt under the rug where it cannot be seen means the room is clean. In the third example, it is important to note that forgiveness has nothing to do with accountability. The offender should be held accountable for their actions, whether they are forgiven or not. The last case, where one uses emotion to punish another is the most misguided of all. Relationships are weakened and eventually destroyed by a belief system that suggests we must even the score, or punish another so that they will hurt as much as we do.

So why then do we forgive. We forgive because of what the act of forgiveness does for us. By forgiving a transgressor, we are saying that we no longer wish to bear the burden of what was done or said to us. This is different than holding someone accountable. A simplistic story to illustrate the point: Frank comes home late for dinner because he went for a few drinks with his colleagues after work. Susan had worked hard to prepare a special meal that evening. As a result she expresses her frustration with Frank by suggesting that if he cared he would have called or come home on time. Frank responds by suggesting that if she cared about him she would understand the stress he was under and his need to blow off some steam. Frank's comment hurts Susan, because it was precisely because she knew the stress he was under that she had prepared a special meal.

Why then does Susan forgive Frank? Not for what it does for Frank, but for what it does for Susan. By forgiving Frank, Susan is saying I am no longer willing to carry the burden of this. She may still be angry. There is still a need to address some of the underlying issues to strengthen their relationship. Frank still needs to be held accountable for his original behavior (coming home late without telling Susan, as well as whether or not he truly believes that Susan doesn't care about him). By forgiving Frank, Susan says to herself I am OK. I am not defined by the events that just occurred. I am not defined by Frank's thoughts or beliefs. I am who I am, and that has not changed. In a way, Susan frees herself from the event by recognizing that the event does not redefine her.

Notice that Susan's forgiveness is not contingent on Frank saying I am sorry. In the five examples at the start of this post, the route to forgiveness begins with the offender saying I am sorry. An expressed apology is not a prerequisite to forgiveness. In fact, an expressed apology is not even necessary for me to forgive another. All that is necessary is for me to be willing to acknowledge that although the transgression has had an impact on me, I am unwilling to allow myself to be defined by that impact. I forgive, not for what it does for you, but for what it does for me.

Be Still

Perhaps it is my age, or perhaps it is the affliction my daughter refers to as "grumpy old man syndrome" but I seem to be noticing more and more how wired and plugged in everyone feels they have to be. Everywhere I go, I notice a world where people walk or exercise with an iPod plugged into their ears, blue tooth devices allow us to drive and talk, car radios now look more like entertainment centers, and our cell phones can provide us with up to the minute tweets of someone's latest blog entry, a change in the weather forecast, or the fact that our favorite sports team has just scored.

It seems that technology has allowed us to have what we want, when we want it just because we want it. I find myself wondering if this is a good thing. Most parents know that having what you want when you want it just because you want it is not the best way to raise children...is it different for adults? After all, where is the harm in listening to music while exercising? Isn't the ability to multi-task an asset required by most jobs these days? Why shouldn't we have the information we want at our fingertips? Those who are continually and endlessly wired in, when asked about that dimension of their lifestyle, typically ask "What's the problem?" I would answer the question with a question: When are you still? 

The capacity to simply be still seems to be losing favor as technology continues its advance into our lives. A Navajo proverb suggests "Be still, and the earth will speak to you". I have always enjoyed the moments and opportunities when I can be still....disengaging from everything and everyone around me for a short period of time, in order to allow myself time to reflect and consider who I am, where I am, where I want to be, and how I might get there. This time for reflection, in my humble opinion is critical to our spiritual growth. If we aren't reflecting on our life, we are essentially taking a journey without ever consulting a map. This is likely to result in our arrival at a place we never thought we would be and leave us wondering "How did I get here?" 

Apart from spiritual growth, a continually and endlessly connected person runs the risk of "knowing what just happened" at the expense of "missing the now". How often have you been in conversation with someone, or sharing a meal, when your conversation is interrupted by the vibration of a phone or the ringing of chime from your companion's pocket. While some consider this cute, and others define it as necessary, the message I usually see is "whatever this is, it is more important than this moment with you". How do you connect in any kind of meaningful way with someone whose attention is continually distracted by other things. Our ability to have meaningful conversation has been subverted by our connectivity, leading us to believe that by taking turns offering a series of one-line thoughts shared back and forth we are having a "conversation". 

I am not against technology. I do believe we need to control it rather than allowing it to control our lives. We need to unplug now and then. We need to turn our cell phone off now and then. The world will not end if you miss that cute puppy pic on Facebook, or don't learn of the fate of your favorite team until you see or read the news later that evening. Believe it or not, when you unplug you will not perish. You will, however, be required to engage, meaningfully, with the people you are with. Perhaps, in the end, this is what being wired does for us: It allows us to avoid any kind of meaningful connection that may require more of us. We need not worry about what might be asked or expected of us, and yet we can fool ourselves into believing we are social, and we are there for others, thanks to that supportive post we just wrote, or that insightful thought we just re-tweeted.

The world would be a better place if we could all just find some quiet time. Next time you are walking or exercising, fore-go the iPod once - just to see where your mind will take you. As you drive home from work, turn the radio off in the car...and let the silence wrap you in a cloak of tenderness that restores your spirit. Maybe, just maybe, now and then, turn your cell phone off so that you can devote your full attention to the person in front of you. Be still, and listen, and you will find the earth will speak to you.

Good to be back...

Hello friends. It has been quite some time since I last posted. In fact, for those of you not familiar with the story, my last post was made in April 2011. Since that time, I retired from full time work in Education after 32 years of service, was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and radiation treatments, surgery to remove the tumor, follow up chemo, and learned to live with a permanent colostomy. The past year and a half has, to say the least, not followed the plan I had for retirement!

And there's the rub...as the Yiddish proverb goes: "Man plans, God laughs". In coming to grips with cancer in our house, an amazing thing began to happen. I found myself developing, as a writer friend of mine says "an attitude of gratitude". I became aware of the many blessings that surround me each day, many of which meant little or nothing to me prior to my diagnosis and treatment. I found myself grateful for big and little things, from the dawning of a new day, to a minimal reaction to chemo, to the smile or touch of a friend who cares. 

Having come through the tunnel that was the last year and the half, a couple of things warrant highlighting. The first is that I never lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. For this I have my wife, my family, my medical team and my friends to thank. Whether they knew it or not, they became my own personal cheering section, encouraging me, uplifting me, consoling me, and sharing my journey. This cheer team kept me focused on a positive outcome throughout the past year and a half. They were indeed the wind beneath my wings.

The second is that none of us knows what the future has in store for us. Throughout my trial, I learned of the many struggles and losses endured by members of my cheer team...struggles and losses that I previously knew nothing about. It was one of the many blessings that emerged from the struggle...sharing hardship and knowing that regardless of the outcome, life goes on. I have learned that it is now that matters, and that living each day to it's fullest is the only guarantee that when the end does come we will have lived a full and complete life without regret. I suppose that really is the goal, isn't it...a life without regrets. I can imagine no better way to die. 

One of the stories I came across during my recovery was the story of a poster found in a second hand book shop in England in 2000. The poster was originally produced in 1939, as part of an attempt to raise British morale during World War II. The sign read simply: Keep calm, and carry on. At the time, the threat of invasion was real, and the poster was intended to avoid the paralysis that comes with panic during a crisis. In reading the story, it struck me that there could be no better advice for us as we face our struggles and embrace our blessings each day...Keep calm, and carry on.