It's only words...

Words. We rely on them for communication, even though they are scarcely equipped to do the job. How often have you heard the phrase "words can't express...". And yet they are all we have. For better or worse, it is words that we use to convey our thoughts, emotions, beliefs and attitudes to others.
As ill-equipped as they are, words have the capacity to heal or to wound, to express love or to express hate, to build up or to tear down. Often even the same word can achieve either of these polar outcomes, depending on when, where, and how it is said.
The power of words is far too often overlooked in our society. Throwaway comments intended to hurt and perpetuate misunderstanding are disguised as jokes, and sadly are often heard as such. In this way, the person who utters the words achieves the goal of perpetuating misunderstanding and hatred.
No where does this seem to be more prevalent today than in our polarized culture, where people seem willing to believe anything negative about something, or someone they don't like....even when they can't precisely articulate what it is they don't like. They rely on such outstanding information sources as "Someone said...", "I heard once...", or "I read that...". Sadly, the source of the information is rarely checked, a critical error in today's world where research is a dying art, Facebook serves as a standard for what is true, and even our media is polarized to the extent that what is passed off as news is really more about entertainment than information.
It's only words. But words have the capacity to make someone's world better or worse, and we have an obligation to consider that before we speak. A moment's thought before we speak acknowledges an understanding of the power of words...and ensures that we use them in the right way for the right reasons. Do your words heal, express love, and build up? I hope so. The alternative is unacceptable.

The World Needs Less

As we approach the Christmas season, I find myself surrounded by subtle, and not so subtle messages of "more". Everywhere I turn are ads, posters, billboards and even messages arriving beside my email and among my Facebook posts. This bombardment of "more" has resulted in me thinking about what we need less of in this world. Certainly the list is a long one, and could provide me with a year's worth of posts on this blog, but the one that keeps coming to the surface for me is judgement. The world needs less judgement.
I see this judgement played out in a variety of ways, but there are two that are the most prevalent in our world today. One is a relatively recent phenomenon which I refer to as the categorization of sin. Among many of my Christian friends, it appears that homosexuality is somehow a greater sin than any other sin. I don't recall ever reading or learning that sin had a number of levels, and that some sin were more egregious than others, and yet more and more often it seems, I find Christians identifying homosexuality as a sin that is somehow greater than any of the other sins of which one might be guilty. I find the notion that anyone's sin could be greater than your own to be offensive. We are all sinners. None more or less guilty than the other. We are all sinners. Regardless of how you think or feel about homosexuality, it is no greater or less of a sin than anything you (or I) might do on any given day. Why do we find it necessary to single out a particular sin? Perhaps all of us would benefit from reflection on Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (NIV)
The second way I see judgement played out today is in the way we speak about our political leaders. Although leader-bashing is far more rampant in the United States, we Canadians are guilty of our share as well. There was a time when respect for the office of the President (or Prime Minister) trumped our personal feelings or who we voted for. Once elected, the leader was the leader, and as such deserved the respect of those he led. Of late, leader-bashing has taken on an ugly and personal tone. Whether it is about President Obama or Prime Minister Harper, it is clear there are many who freely and easily separate the man from the office, and then hurl insults that would have a 6th grader on the playground in trouble with his teacher. History will determine the merit of these leaders over time, but each time I hear them criticized, I cringe a little, as regardless of how it is framed, it is the office of the President, or the office of the Prime Minister they are criticizing. No wonder we are quickly becoming the laughing stock of the rest of the world. This is particularly sad when you consider that voter turnout in both countries in the two most recent elections was 55% in the United States and 61% in Canada. Just over half of all eligible voters were willing to go to the polls and exercise a fundamental right. This too, evidences a lack of respect for the office in particular, and democracy in general.
It is not my intent to tell you what you should believe about homosexuality, or how you should voice your political opinion....it is simply my intent to suggest that the world needs less judgement. My parents taught me the importance of "walking a mile in someone's shoes" before making judgements about their actions. We could all benefit from using that filter before we condemn someone's sinfulness, or cast aspersions on someone's character. The world needs less judgement.

Sacrifice

November is the month where North Americans stop and consider the sacrifice made by the few for the many. In Canada, November 11 is called Remembrance Day, while our friends to the south refer to it as Veterans Day. The intent of the day is the same: to recall those who died while serving their country. They deserve homage through our respect and reverence for the day. Calgary, like most cities and towns, provides us a perfect location to do this. Walking among the field of crosses, reading the names, and considering the ages of those who died in service of their country is a humbling experience indeed.
In our instant gratification world, their is not much room left for sacrifice. Standing in line without expressing frustration, waiting our turn without becoming angry, or allowing someone to go before us just because are seen less and less these days. Little did we know that Toby Kieth's hit song in 2001 would be as prophetic as it has become:

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see

I see more and more of this "me" attitude every day. It saddens me to thing that in just a few generations we have gone from people who would willingly give up everything, including health and future, to people who haven't got 5 minutes for someone who needs us or our help.

When children ask us about Remembrance Day or Veterans Day, we need to be prepared to talk with them about sacrifice. We need to pay homage to our fallen, by telling the stories of those who died. We need to teach our children that respect is earned. Most of all, we need to consider how we might sacrifice in our daily lives, in the service of others. Major effort is not required. A simple smile, a brief hello, or actually waiting for an answer when we ask "how are you" is all that is required. And this is the magic part we need to teach our children...the benefit of service to others is as great or greater for those who serve than those being served. And as we teach our children this lesson, we might just learn something ourselves!

Reflection is good for the soul...

Summer provided me with lots of opportunity for reflection. My wife and I were away from Calgary for 45 days, and during that time traveled over 12,000 kms spending 17 days on the road and 28 days visiting and renewing relationships with family and friends across Canada and the United States. During our travels we saw many wonderful places, but a place that really resonated with me was a spot where we spent a couple of days on the final leg of our trip.
If you have had a look at previous blog posts, you know that resiliency is a topic of interest for me. Since the loss of my son, I have spent countless hours ruminating about why it is that the same event can make one person stronger at the same time that it weakens the resolve of another. I found this theme playing out in my head over and over as I basked in the beauty of Arches National Park. In an amazing testament to the wonder and beauty of nature, I saw rock that had stood firm against the elements while at the same time giving way to the forces of wind and water where necessary. I saw trees and scrub brush growing in some of the most inhospitable places. I saw the cycle of life played out over and over again in the canyon walls and vegetation that surrounded me. All the while, I was awed.
It occurred to me that resiliency is a little like that. It is not about being strong all the time, or giving in all the time, but more about understanding that there is a time and a place to be strong, and a time and a place to give way. The rocks withstand the elements by simultaneously being strong and giving way. The bushes and trees adapt to the environment in ways that allow them to not just survive but thrive while maintaining their identity. I found myself thinking that we could learn a lesson from the rocks and vegetation in Arches National Park; we need to learn how to give way when we need to give way, and stand firm when we need to stand firm. In the end, I realized that resiliency is less about strength and more about wisdom....and heard my parents' voices in my head, admonishing me to pick my battles carefully. Funny thing about parents....the older I get the wiser mine become.

Sadly...

Shortly after my last post to this blog, we lost our son Adam to suicide at the age of 28. I have spent a good deal of time in the last few months with the interminable questions that have no answers, as have all of Adam's family and many of his friends. Sadly, this is one of the tragedies of suicide...there are no answers, only questions. In the end I have come to realize that the answers don't matter...and have decided to spend less time seeking answers and more time finding ways to make Adam's short time with us matter. A friend of Adam's contacted me a few months after his death, and asked if she could write of him in her blog. Turns out she too has battled her demons, and Adam's life had an impact on her that she wanted to share. Adam's memory is honoured by her post, and you can read it here (Adam's story is part way down the page).
In order to honour Adam's memory, and perhaps help anyone who is, or know someone who is struggling with depression, I intend to share in the coming month what I have come to realize are 6 key messages that every child, and indeed every adult needs to hear every day. I hope that writing about these messages will help me to focus on ensuring that I am consistently communicating these messages to those who cross my path. You see, that's the thing about depression, you cannot easily see it or identify it in people...in fact, those with depression often describe the amazing lengths they go to in order to hide their depression from us. In truth, all of us are walking wounded, each of us carrying our history of hurts with us along our way. I believe the 6 key messages need to be heard by all of us...stay tuned

Where is your focus?

Natural disasters, such as recent floods in Calgary or the wildfires in Arizona, are an excellent reminder for us that there are some things that are simply beyond our control. Such events always remind me of Stephen Covey's circles of influence and concern. I have always thought of things or events as belonging in one of three circles: things I can control, things I can influence, and things that concern me but I have no control over. Reminding myself of these circles keeps me from spending a lot of time worrying about things over which I have no control or influence. Remembering these circles ensures that the time and energy I spend has at least the possibility of obtaining results.

The center circle in the image on the left is the circle of control...those events or things in my life where I, and I alone, have direct control over the outcome. Examples of this include how I approach my health (diet and exercise), how I choose to spend my free time, or how I will go about completing a work task or project. The middle circle is the circle of influence...those events or things in my life where, although I do not have total control I can influence the outcome. Examples would include things like family finances, where we will go on holiday, other people's opinions, or how I will obtain approval for certain aspects of a work project. The outer circle represents things over which I have no control or influence. Examples would include things like natural disasters, whether or not it will rain today, the state of the economy or budget decisions which may impact my project.

The best reason for choosing to focus our time and energy in the inner two circles is that in the end, our stress is lowered and change happens. Time and energy spent in the outer circle yields no result: I can worry about rain or fire or flood every minute of every day, but it will still happen. On the other hand, if I center my time and energy on things I can control and influence, I do obtain results. I can choose to become healthier by modifying diet or exercise and obtain results that are directly the result of that choice. I can choose to make my preferences known regarding a holiday destination, and influence the ultimate decision of where we will holiday. In each case, because I obtain some result, direct (weight loss) or indirectly (my perspective shared and understood) not only is stress lowered, but I feel better about myself as well. It seems that whenever I feel my stress increasing, my tolerance decreasing and anger and frustration hover just below the surface waiting to explode through at (usually) the most inopportune times, it is because I have allowed my time and energy to be lured into the circle of concern. I am at my best when I direct my time and energy to the inner two circles and focus on those areas where I can make a difference. Ultimately, isn't that what we all want to do?

Try not...

I came across this riddle the other day and for some reason it has stayed with me:

5 frogs are sitting on a log, four decide to jump off...how many are left?
Answer: 5. Why? Because there is a difference between deciding and doing!

I am not sure why this has resonated so deeply with me, except that perhaps it is a pretty accurate description of one of my biggest failings....lack of follow through. I am often deciding to do things....catch up with old friends over dinner, make a call to someone that I have been putting off, cleaning out the garage, posting to this blog regularly...the list seems endless when it comes to things I decide to do....follow through however, is another thing.

To be sure our lives are busy, and what we often think is a good idea at the start of the day or week can end up being something we just don't think we have the energy for at the end of the week. The conundrum is that doing the very things we don't think we have energy for can often energize simply by doing them. Looking through my list above, I have never caught up with old friends, made a call, completed a chore, or posted to this blog and NOT ended up feeling good about what I had done!

So how do we overcome this inertia? Well that my friends is indeed the question. If you have things that work for you, I would love to hear about it...As for me...I am going to start small. I didn't clean out the garage, but I did recycle some electronics that had been sitting in the garage collecting dust for a couple of years....and today I am posting to my blog - not a long post, but posting none the less. Perhaps if the tasks are less all encompassing they will be more achievable?

Time will tell, but for now I am going to focus more on doing and less on deciding. And to think that if I had really paid attention to Star Wars, I could have learned this lesson years ago. It was put so eloquently by Yoda: Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.

When we have the least to give...

Our world has been rocked pretty hard in the past week. Tuesday afternoon we heard of  three killed in a mall near Portland Oregon. In the midst of prayers and services, tragedy struck again in Newtown, Connecticut, as we read and heard that 20 children, 6 women, and the gunman himself died in a school shooting.

As I try to wrap my head around these tragedies, and others that occur seemingly far too often, I am reminded of something I often said to those I worked with as an educator. As each holiday would approach, I would often remind my staff, who were growing tired and looking forward to a Christmas break that “it is when we have the least to give that they need us the most”.

This week’s events seem to fit into that category for me as well. Two desperate souls, who clearly felt they had no where to turn and no one to turn to, allowed the evil that lurks within to surface and dictate their actions. How do we explain these senseless acts? Simply, we cannot. There is no rational explanation for irrational acts.

We can however, that these two desperate souls were feeling lost, alone, and feeling a level of despair that few of us ever experience. No doubt there were people in their lives who cared for them, who loved them, who valued them, and who nurtured them. Equally certain, they did not see or feel this love, care and concern.

Tomorrow marks the third Sunday of Advent. As Christmas approaches, we will get busier and the pace of life will increase. Remember to look around in the coming 10 days... for surely there are those among us who are feeling desperate, who are lost, alone and frightened. Though you may feel you have little left to give, never underestimate the power of a kind word or a thoughtful gesture. It may make a world of difference to someone teetering on the edge.

Let us make a promise to those at the mall in Oregon, at the school in Connecticut, and others who have lost their lives in senseless tragedies: Let us promise that their deaths will serve as reminders to us that we live in a hurting world, and that hurt people end up hurting people. Let us promise that we will become a little kinder, a little gentler, and a little more willing to reach out and comfort our fellow man. In this way we can honor the dead. In this way we can make a difference. A small difference. But a difference. One person, one gesture at a time.

A Time to Pause, Review and Reflect

Around much of the Christian world, Sunday, December 2 marked the beginning of Advent, a time of preparation. It seems to me that Advent provides all of us with the perfect opportunity to pause, review and reflect.

Taking the opportunity to pause is almost a survival strategy during the hectic and demanding nature of the weeks leading up to Christmas. The hustle and bustle, while enjoyable in small doses, is not a good way to live life everyday. And so we pause. We take a moment, away from the hustle and bustle to re-center ourselves, to remind ourselves that there is more to life than having the latest and greatest things. For some, a pause takes the form of prayer, for some meditation, and for some, a simple opportunity to rest and relax on the couch! Whatever form it takes for you, be sure to find the time to pause.

And once you have paused, and begin to feel centered, it is time to review. Much like a child's letter to Santa, have you been good? Have you done the right thing, the good thing, the hard thing? Or have you, like me, fallen prey to the easy thing, the expedient thing? It happens all too easily and all to frequently. Reviewing the last few days of our lives provides us with the chance to examine our behavior and measure it against what we say we believe. Is our behavior congruent with what we say we believe, or are we guilty of the age old "saying one thing and doing another". Review gives us a chance to put ourselves back on track.

And as we think of getting back on track, we need to reflect on where that track is taking us, and whether or not it continues to be the direction we want to go. Perhaps circumstance or an unexpected experience has left us with the nagging doubt that there is something wrong with the direction we are headed. Reflection provides us with the opportunity to consider where we are going, whether or not we still want to go there, and where else we might, or should go. Are we living our life in a way that is designed to get us where we want to go, helping us to become the person we wish to be?

The Advent Season....certainly a time of preparation and joy, but also a time to pause, review and reflect. Like checking a road map, we can be sure that when we get there, we will be where we want to be!

Seek Peace

In addition to American Thanksgiving, November brings Remembrance Day (Veteran's Day in the U.S.). November 11 is observed in many parts of the world as a celebration of the moment that peace came at the conclusion of hostilities in World War I. Two minutes of silence is a fading concept, though many of us remember standing quietly in school for two minutes at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.

One of the lessons is that peace must be sought, and often fought for and earned. This is as true for each of us in our daily life as it is for Remembrance Day, or Armistice Day as it was previously known. Seeking peace is not a passive act. To seek, or search, requires an energy, an action and a commitment, and on occasion a willingness to take the hard road. Opportunities to seek peace abound in our daily lives, and yet are often overlooked, or simply allowed to pass by without action or response on our part. The joke that utilizes racial stereotypes or the comment that belittles someone  that is left unchallenged by those who hear it is an opportunity to seek peace that is lost. All too often we allow these events to pass without taking exception to the comment, in the misguided belief that "it's not worth fighting about".

This of course raises the question what is worth fighting about? Where would you draw the line? When would you speak up? It has been said that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. I would further suggest that the pursuit of peace is set back a little each time the opportunity to promote peace is allowed to pass by without action.

In our current times, the public attitude about drinking and driving is that it is irresponsible and unacceptable. This was not always the case. One doesn't have to look too far into the past to find a time where driving home drunk and not getting caught was an achievement to be celebrated the next time one gathered for a round of drinks with their friends.

Imagine if our attitudes towards seeking peace underwent this same transformation. Imagine what a world we would have if the telling of a joke utilizing a racial stereotype or a belittling comment resulted in a silent response or even better a response from another that highlighted the inappropriateness of the remark. Imagine the wonder of a world where everyone was seen for what they had, not what they lacked, and everyone was accepted for who they were without judgement. What a wonderful world it would be.

It will take people of peace seeking peace to make this happen. It will require action on the part of those who seek peace to ensure that those who would lessen our opportunities for a peaceful world are confronted in a way that helps them understand that they do not serve any good purpose by promoting stereotypes or disparaging others.

Yes, an end to war in our world in our time would be a significant achievement. A step towards peace, through actively seeking peace at every opportunity may in the short term do little to increase the chances of such an outcome, but wouldn't it make for a better world for each of us.

Just One More Day...

A friend of mine passed away last week. We first knew each other as colleagues, working for the same school district. Lisa, through her work in Human Resources, provided support to me in my role as principal. We had passing conversations and exchanged the usual pleasantries over a period of years. Lisa's health journey was such that she had to take leave from her position with the district in order to focus on her health. Soon after, I retired, and was diagnosed with cancer.

It was through my diagnosis that our paths crossed again. Lisa contacted me to let me know that I was in her thoughts and prayers as I began my journey with my uninvited guest. At the time, she was resting and preparing, through daily exercise and physio, to undergo a double lung transplant. We had an opportunity to bond a little closer as we both dealt with the challenges that our health had thrown our way.

Although Lisa underwent her transplant in early April of this year. What followed was a series of ups and downs, progress and setbacks. Eventually the challenges and setbacks took their toll. Throughout her struggles, Lisa shared an optimism and a joy for the little things that profoundly touched those of us who followed her story.

I have found myself whispering a silent prayer this past week. I am sure it was one that often found a home in Lisa's heart as well...Just one more day, please Lord, give me just one more day.

I have been blessed. My battle with cancer is, for the moment, complete. I have been able to return to most of the activities that I did before my treatments. I have been given one more day. Each morning now brings with it the realization that I have been given one more day. How blessed can one be? Each morning my lovely wife Annette greets me with a hug and calls me her daily blessing. I am blessed to have one more day.

I am sure that when my end comes, whether it be sudden or anticipated, I will find myself wishing for just one more day. One more day to see the sun, to share with family, to say I love you. One more day to make a difference, to make amends. I hope, in my heart, that like Lisa, when that day arrives, I will go peacefully, knowing that I have made good use of the days given to me: that I will have said I love you often enough, that I will have made a difference, that I will have made amends.

All I need is just one more day...

Forgiveness

Many people have difficulty with forgiveness. Usually this is because they consider forgiveness to be the equivalent of letting someone off the hook, or that forgiveness, like some magic eraser, will suggest that the transgression never happened in the first place. Others think that forgiving a transgressor for their transgression means that the offender will not be held accountable for their actions. Finally, some feel that if they do not forgive then their withdrawal of emotional connection continues to "punish" the transgressor.

The truth is, none of these have anything to do with forgiveness. The first example, letting someone off the hook, suggests that somehow it is our responsibility to ensure a sufficient amount of pain is experienced that will somehow "even the score". In the second case, the magic eraser, we accept in our life the metaphorical equivalent that somehow, sweeping the dirt under the rug where it cannot be seen means the room is clean. In the third example, it is important to note that forgiveness has nothing to do with accountability. The offender should be held accountable for their actions, whether they are forgiven or not. The last case, where one uses emotion to punish another is the most misguided of all. Relationships are weakened and eventually destroyed by a belief system that suggests we must even the score, or punish another so that they will hurt as much as we do.

So why then do we forgive. We forgive because of what the act of forgiveness does for us. By forgiving a transgressor, we are saying that we no longer wish to bear the burden of what was done or said to us. This is different than holding someone accountable. A simplistic story to illustrate the point: Frank comes home late for dinner because he went for a few drinks with his colleagues after work. Susan had worked hard to prepare a special meal that evening. As a result she expresses her frustration with Frank by suggesting that if he cared he would have called or come home on time. Frank responds by suggesting that if she cared about him she would understand the stress he was under and his need to blow off some steam. Frank's comment hurts Susan, because it was precisely because she knew the stress he was under that she had prepared a special meal.

Why then does Susan forgive Frank? Not for what it does for Frank, but for what it does for Susan. By forgiving Frank, Susan is saying I am no longer willing to carry the burden of this. She may still be angry. There is still a need to address some of the underlying issues to strengthen their relationship. Frank still needs to be held accountable for his original behavior (coming home late without telling Susan, as well as whether or not he truly believes that Susan doesn't care about him). By forgiving Frank, Susan says to herself I am OK. I am not defined by the events that just occurred. I am not defined by Frank's thoughts or beliefs. I am who I am, and that has not changed. In a way, Susan frees herself from the event by recognizing that the event does not redefine her.

Notice that Susan's forgiveness is not contingent on Frank saying I am sorry. In the five examples at the start of this post, the route to forgiveness begins with the offender saying I am sorry. An expressed apology is not a prerequisite to forgiveness. In fact, an expressed apology is not even necessary for me to forgive another. All that is necessary is for me to be willing to acknowledge that although the transgression has had an impact on me, I am unwilling to allow myself to be defined by that impact. I forgive, not for what it does for you, but for what it does for me.

Be Still

Perhaps it is my age, or perhaps it is the affliction my daughter refers to as "grumpy old man syndrome" but I seem to be noticing more and more how wired and plugged in everyone feels they have to be. Everywhere I go, I notice a world where people walk or exercise with an iPod plugged into their ears, blue tooth devices allow us to drive and talk, car radios now look more like entertainment centers, and our cell phones can provide us with up to the minute tweets of someone's latest blog entry, a change in the weather forecast, or the fact that our favorite sports team has just scored.

It seems that technology has allowed us to have what we want, when we want it just because we want it. I find myself wondering if this is a good thing. Most parents know that having what you want when you want it just because you want it is not the best way to raise children...is it different for adults? After all, where is the harm in listening to music while exercising? Isn't the ability to multi-task an asset required by most jobs these days? Why shouldn't we have the information we want at our fingertips? Those who are continually and endlessly wired in, when asked about that dimension of their lifestyle, typically ask "What's the problem?" I would answer the question with a question: When are you still? 

The capacity to simply be still seems to be losing favor as technology continues its advance into our lives. A Navajo proverb suggests "Be still, and the earth will speak to you". I have always enjoyed the moments and opportunities when I can be still....disengaging from everything and everyone around me for a short period of time, in order to allow myself time to reflect and consider who I am, where I am, where I want to be, and how I might get there. This time for reflection, in my humble opinion is critical to our spiritual growth. If we aren't reflecting on our life, we are essentially taking a journey without ever consulting a map. This is likely to result in our arrival at a place we never thought we would be and leave us wondering "How did I get here?" 

Apart from spiritual growth, a continually and endlessly connected person runs the risk of "knowing what just happened" at the expense of "missing the now". How often have you been in conversation with someone, or sharing a meal, when your conversation is interrupted by the vibration of a phone or the ringing of chime from your companion's pocket. While some consider this cute, and others define it as necessary, the message I usually see is "whatever this is, it is more important than this moment with you". How do you connect in any kind of meaningful way with someone whose attention is continually distracted by other things. Our ability to have meaningful conversation has been subverted by our connectivity, leading us to believe that by taking turns offering a series of one-line thoughts shared back and forth we are having a "conversation". 

I am not against technology. I do believe we need to control it rather than allowing it to control our lives. We need to unplug now and then. We need to turn our cell phone off now and then. The world will not end if you miss that cute puppy pic on Facebook, or don't learn of the fate of your favorite team until you see or read the news later that evening. Believe it or not, when you unplug you will not perish. You will, however, be required to engage, meaningfully, with the people you are with. Perhaps, in the end, this is what being wired does for us: It allows us to avoid any kind of meaningful connection that may require more of us. We need not worry about what might be asked or expected of us, and yet we can fool ourselves into believing we are social, and we are there for others, thanks to that supportive post we just wrote, or that insightful thought we just re-tweeted.

The world would be a better place if we could all just find some quiet time. Next time you are walking or exercising, fore-go the iPod once - just to see where your mind will take you. As you drive home from work, turn the radio off in the car...and let the silence wrap you in a cloak of tenderness that restores your spirit. Maybe, just maybe, now and then, turn your cell phone off so that you can devote your full attention to the person in front of you. Be still, and listen, and you will find the earth will speak to you.

Good to be back...

Hello friends. It has been quite some time since I last posted. In fact, for those of you not familiar with the story, my last post was made in April 2011. Since that time, I retired from full time work in Education after 32 years of service, was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and radiation treatments, surgery to remove the tumor, follow up chemo, and learned to live with a permanent colostomy. The past year and a half has, to say the least, not followed the plan I had for retirement!

And there's the rub...as the Yiddish proverb goes: "Man plans, God laughs". In coming to grips with cancer in our house, an amazing thing began to happen. I found myself developing, as a writer friend of mine says "an attitude of gratitude". I became aware of the many blessings that surround me each day, many of which meant little or nothing to me prior to my diagnosis and treatment. I found myself grateful for big and little things, from the dawning of a new day, to a minimal reaction to chemo, to the smile or touch of a friend who cares. 

Having come through the tunnel that was the last year and the half, a couple of things warrant highlighting. The first is that I never lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. For this I have my wife, my family, my medical team and my friends to thank. Whether they knew it or not, they became my own personal cheering section, encouraging me, uplifting me, consoling me, and sharing my journey. This cheer team kept me focused on a positive outcome throughout the past year and a half. They were indeed the wind beneath my wings.

The second is that none of us knows what the future has in store for us. Throughout my trial, I learned of the many struggles and losses endured by members of my cheer team...struggles and losses that I previously knew nothing about. It was one of the many blessings that emerged from the struggle...sharing hardship and knowing that regardless of the outcome, life goes on. I have learned that it is now that matters, and that living each day to it's fullest is the only guarantee that when the end does come we will have lived a full and complete life without regret. I suppose that really is the goal, isn't it...a life without regrets. I can imagine no better way to die. 

One of the stories I came across during my recovery was the story of a poster found in a second hand book shop in England in 2000. The poster was originally produced in 1939, as part of an attempt to raise British morale during World War II. The sign read simply: Keep calm, and carry on. At the time, the threat of invasion was real, and the poster was intended to avoid the paralysis that comes with panic during a crisis. In reading the story, it struck me that there could be no better advice for us as we face our struggles and embrace our blessings each day...Keep calm, and carry on.

Mediating in a critical situation

Recently a friend of mine asked about what he described as tactical mediation, or mediating a situation where two parties are at each other's throats and tensions are high. He went on to suggest this might be siblings fighting, or spouses arguing with each other.

Mediation often occurs in the midst of high emotion. It is the mediator's role to control that emotion, and keep both parties focused on an outcome that will meet both their needs. How can this be achieved in a critical situation when two people are at each other's throats? From my own experience, there are a few things that form the basis of how to handle such a situation.

1. Initially, you may need to "referee" the dispute. Chances are tensions are so high that neither is hearing the other. At this point you must hear for both parties. This may require you to physically insert yourself between the two parties in order to get their attention. When emotions are running particularly high, there may be a need to put space between the parties while assuring both that you will listen to both. In fact, even at this very early intervention, you are beginning to set ground rules that lay the foundation for the conflict resolution work that will come next. You begin to lower tensions and emotions by saying to both parties, I understand you are angry and I want to help you with that, but I can only help if one person talks at a time.
2. A confident and calm presence is probably the most important variable for someone mediating in a critical situation. Remaining calm offers a counterpoint to the heightened emotions, and sends the message that although things seem out of control, you feel in control. The confidence suggests that outcomes are not in doubt, and that what is happening (the conflict) is not to be feared or avoided. Indeed it is often out of anger that information can be gathered with respect to what deeper issues may need to be addressed  in resolving the conflict. While remaining confident and calm in the midst of a crisis, those who stuck in the middle of the crisis feel that although things are tense, they are not spinning out of control. You consistently delivers a message that says I am here for you, and I will be here until we resolve this.
3. In the heat of the moment, when voices are raised and emotions are high, it can generally be assumed that the anger is a reflection of the fact that the individual is feeling that they are not being heard. In fact there is a great deal of truth in the tenet that suggests "they aren't yelling because they are angry, they are yelling because they think you haven't heard what they are saying". To counter this, you need to reflect back to the individuals what you are hearing, as well as acknowledging the depth of the emotion, and the importance of the issue to the individual. Often it pays to listen more, and talk less, and when you do talk, insure that you are reflecting what you have heard. Often, in a desire to "fix things" or to avoid continued conflict, a common mistake is to move to suggesting solutions, when in fact what is needed is acknowledgment of what has been heard. You must consistently deliver a message that says I understand you feel strongly about this, and I am interested in hearing more about it.
4. As the first three "tactics" are implemented, tensions will naturally begin to lower, as will emotional levels. When the emotions are running high, both individuals are encouraged to talk to you rather than each other. As the tensions lower, you can now begin to encourage each party to talk to the other. At this point it is critical that the parties are coached, and provided with some strategies to improve the communication between them. As a result, when one of the individuals begins to tell you why they are angry, you may ask the other party if they can describe why the other is angry. Through coaching you can encourage better listening. You might respond by saying, Yes, it kind of sounds like that, but I also heard... Each individual will need to be given the opportunity to talk to the other, and the opportunity to reflect back what they have heard. At this stage, you gradually remove yourself physically, and adopt more of a role of coach on the sidelines, offering encouragement and clarification where necessary.
5. As the individuals begin to hear each other more clearly, and articulate more clearly the source of their anger, your role now switches to one of searching for the common ground that will allow both individuals to realize that they have a vested interest in solving this together. The extent to which this common ground is uncovered is the extent to which a resolution becomes possible. You begin to look for opportunities to point out this common ground. By echoing one party's concerns, and connecting it to a concern of the other, and you might say It sounds to me like you are both worried about...
6. Once both parties have found the common ground, they will now be committed to resolving the conflict. As they begin to talk more to each other, you can help by keeping track of thoughts that are offered as solutions, and helping each individual voice their belief on whether or not a solution is realistic and workable.
7. As a resolution is agreed to, you can now take the opportunity to raise the question Should this not work or another disagreement come up, what can you do so that you don't end up yelling and screaming at each other? You again have the opportunity to teach, and coach communication skills.

Hopefully, the next time you find yourself in a situation where tensions are high, and emotions are charged, the 7 steps outlined above will allow you to step in with confidence, and help the individuals return to a place where they can work together to resolve conflict.

Why mediate?

Anyone who has spent any time at all on the internet is aware that the internet provides two amazing benefits. The first of these is the ability to do a quick search for relevent information. The second, and more important benefit is that if you are patient enough, and willing to follow a number of links and leads, some of which pan out and some of which dead end, you come across nuggets of information that you probably never would have come across otherwise. I came across just such a nugget this morning, and would like to share it with you, at least in part. First, thanks to Erica Becks, of Diversified Mediation, who had posted the info on her blog. Second, thanks to Dr. Lynne C. Halem, of the Centre for Mediation and Dispute Resolution (CMDR) who originally authored the article.

Dr. Halem suggests the following four benefits of mediation, based on 28 years of tracking the response of clients to the question of why individuals choose to mediate:

1. To avoid bitter conflict
2. To save time and money
3. To focus on their children
4. To maintain their dignity

Dr. Halem goes on to suggest that in addition to achieving these goals, mediation can also be a mechanism for personal change and growth. Having experienced mediation as both a client and a mediator, I can attest to the accuracy of Dr. Halem's observation. In fact, I would go so far as to say that no client remains unchanged as a result of participation in a truly effective mediation process. More often than not, the parties begin to see each other in a different light, have the opportunity to remind themselves of what they have in common, and develop a new-found inderstanding and respect for their differences.

So there you have it - the process of mediation results in outcomes significantly different than the outcomes likley to be achieved legal and court processes. If you remain unconvinced as to the benefits of mediation, then perhaps the final argument in favor of mediation offered by Erica Becks may: "Agreements reached with the help of a skilled and experienced mediator are more likely to last."

This is because the agreements arising from mediation are developed, refined, negotiated and agreed to by the parties involved in the mediation process. Ownership of the process allows for ownership of the outcomes of the process, and results in commitment to those outcomes. As a result, both parties are committed to respecting the integrity of both the letter and the spirit of the agreement.

Life is a journey

Without a doubt, life is indeed a journey, sometimes feeling like a drive in the country on a pleasant Sunday afternoon, and sometimes feeling like a roller coaster that is never going to stop. Filled with it's ups and downs, life can often catch us off guard, and cause us to lose our center. Once this happens, we quickly find ourselves adrift on a sea of doubt and confusion. How does one stay centered, especially in such turbulent times? No doubt each of us has our own tips and tricks. Feel free to comment on how you manage to keep yourself centered when the going gets rough. As for me, I try to remember that life is choice, and blessings are abundant, we have but to look for them. Granted, it seems as though some days we have to look harder than others, but it has been my experience that if one seeks long and hard enough, the blessings do indeed reveal themselves.