It's only words...

Words. We rely on them for communication, even though they are scarcely equipped to do the job. How often have you heard the phrase "words can't express...". And yet they are all we have. For better or worse, it is words that we use to convey our thoughts, emotions, beliefs and attitudes to others.
As ill-equipped as they are, words have the capacity to heal or to wound, to express love or to express hate, to build up or to tear down. Often even the same word can achieve either of these polar outcomes, depending on when, where, and how it is said.
The power of words is far too often overlooked in our society. Throwaway comments intended to hurt and perpetuate misunderstanding are disguised as jokes, and sadly are often heard as such. In this way, the person who utters the words achieves the goal of perpetuating misunderstanding and hatred.
No where does this seem to be more prevalent today than in our polarized culture, where people seem willing to believe anything negative about something, or someone they don't like....even when they can't precisely articulate what it is they don't like. They rely on such outstanding information sources as "Someone said...", "I heard once...", or "I read that...". Sadly, the source of the information is rarely checked, a critical error in today's world where research is a dying art, Facebook serves as a standard for what is true, and even our media is polarized to the extent that what is passed off as news is really more about entertainment than information.
It's only words. But words have the capacity to make someone's world better or worse, and we have an obligation to consider that before we speak. A moment's thought before we speak acknowledges an understanding of the power of words...and ensures that we use them in the right way for the right reasons. Do your words heal, express love, and build up? I hope so. The alternative is unacceptable.

The World Needs Less

As we approach the Christmas season, I find myself surrounded by subtle, and not so subtle messages of "more". Everywhere I turn are ads, posters, billboards and even messages arriving beside my email and among my Facebook posts. This bombardment of "more" has resulted in me thinking about what we need less of in this world. Certainly the list is a long one, and could provide me with a year's worth of posts on this blog, but the one that keeps coming to the surface for me is judgement. The world needs less judgement.
I see this judgement played out in a variety of ways, but there are two that are the most prevalent in our world today. One is a relatively recent phenomenon which I refer to as the categorization of sin. Among many of my Christian friends, it appears that homosexuality is somehow a greater sin than any other sin. I don't recall ever reading or learning that sin had a number of levels, and that some sin were more egregious than others, and yet more and more often it seems, I find Christians identifying homosexuality as a sin that is somehow greater than any of the other sins of which one might be guilty. I find the notion that anyone's sin could be greater than your own to be offensive. We are all sinners. None more or less guilty than the other. We are all sinners. Regardless of how you think or feel about homosexuality, it is no greater or less of a sin than anything you (or I) might do on any given day. Why do we find it necessary to single out a particular sin? Perhaps all of us would benefit from reflection on Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (NIV)
The second way I see judgement played out today is in the way we speak about our political leaders. Although leader-bashing is far more rampant in the United States, we Canadians are guilty of our share as well. There was a time when respect for the office of the President (or Prime Minister) trumped our personal feelings or who we voted for. Once elected, the leader was the leader, and as such deserved the respect of those he led. Of late, leader-bashing has taken on an ugly and personal tone. Whether it is about President Obama or Prime Minister Harper, it is clear there are many who freely and easily separate the man from the office, and then hurl insults that would have a 6th grader on the playground in trouble with his teacher. History will determine the merit of these leaders over time, but each time I hear them criticized, I cringe a little, as regardless of how it is framed, it is the office of the President, or the office of the Prime Minister they are criticizing. No wonder we are quickly becoming the laughing stock of the rest of the world. This is particularly sad when you consider that voter turnout in both countries in the two most recent elections was 55% in the United States and 61% in Canada. Just over half of all eligible voters were willing to go to the polls and exercise a fundamental right. This too, evidences a lack of respect for the office in particular, and democracy in general.
It is not my intent to tell you what you should believe about homosexuality, or how you should voice your political opinion....it is simply my intent to suggest that the world needs less judgement. My parents taught me the importance of "walking a mile in someone's shoes" before making judgements about their actions. We could all benefit from using that filter before we condemn someone's sinfulness, or cast aspersions on someone's character. The world needs less judgement.

Sacrifice

November is the month where North Americans stop and consider the sacrifice made by the few for the many. In Canada, November 11 is called Remembrance Day, while our friends to the south refer to it as Veterans Day. The intent of the day is the same: to recall those who died while serving their country. They deserve homage through our respect and reverence for the day. Calgary, like most cities and towns, provides us a perfect location to do this. Walking among the field of crosses, reading the names, and considering the ages of those who died in service of their country is a humbling experience indeed.
In our instant gratification world, their is not much room left for sacrifice. Standing in line without expressing frustration, waiting our turn without becoming angry, or allowing someone to go before us just because are seen less and less these days. Little did we know that Toby Kieth's hit song in 2001 would be as prophetic as it has become:

I wanna talk about me
Wanna talk about I
Wanna talk about number one
Oh my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see

I see more and more of this "me" attitude every day. It saddens me to thing that in just a few generations we have gone from people who would willingly give up everything, including health and future, to people who haven't got 5 minutes for someone who needs us or our help.

When children ask us about Remembrance Day or Veterans Day, we need to be prepared to talk with them about sacrifice. We need to pay homage to our fallen, by telling the stories of those who died. We need to teach our children that respect is earned. Most of all, we need to consider how we might sacrifice in our daily lives, in the service of others. Major effort is not required. A simple smile, a brief hello, or actually waiting for an answer when we ask "how are you" is all that is required. And this is the magic part we need to teach our children...the benefit of service to others is as great or greater for those who serve than those being served. And as we teach our children this lesson, we might just learn something ourselves!

Reflection is good for the soul...

Summer provided me with lots of opportunity for reflection. My wife and I were away from Calgary for 45 days, and during that time traveled over 12,000 kms spending 17 days on the road and 28 days visiting and renewing relationships with family and friends across Canada and the United States. During our travels we saw many wonderful places, but a place that really resonated with me was a spot where we spent a couple of days on the final leg of our trip.
If you have had a look at previous blog posts, you know that resiliency is a topic of interest for me. Since the loss of my son, I have spent countless hours ruminating about why it is that the same event can make one person stronger at the same time that it weakens the resolve of another. I found this theme playing out in my head over and over as I basked in the beauty of Arches National Park. In an amazing testament to the wonder and beauty of nature, I saw rock that had stood firm against the elements while at the same time giving way to the forces of wind and water where necessary. I saw trees and scrub brush growing in some of the most inhospitable places. I saw the cycle of life played out over and over again in the canyon walls and vegetation that surrounded me. All the while, I was awed.
It occurred to me that resiliency is a little like that. It is not about being strong all the time, or giving in all the time, but more about understanding that there is a time and a place to be strong, and a time and a place to give way. The rocks withstand the elements by simultaneously being strong and giving way. The bushes and trees adapt to the environment in ways that allow them to not just survive but thrive while maintaining their identity. I found myself thinking that we could learn a lesson from the rocks and vegetation in Arches National Park; we need to learn how to give way when we need to give way, and stand firm when we need to stand firm. In the end, I realized that resiliency is less about strength and more about wisdom....and heard my parents' voices in my head, admonishing me to pick my battles carefully. Funny thing about parents....the older I get the wiser mine become.

Sadly...

Shortly after my last post to this blog, we lost our son Adam to suicide at the age of 28. I have spent a good deal of time in the last few months with the interminable questions that have no answers, as have all of Adam's family and many of his friends. Sadly, this is one of the tragedies of suicide...there are no answers, only questions. In the end I have come to realize that the answers don't matter...and have decided to spend less time seeking answers and more time finding ways to make Adam's short time with us matter. A friend of Adam's contacted me a few months after his death, and asked if she could write of him in her blog. Turns out she too has battled her demons, and Adam's life had an impact on her that she wanted to share. Adam's memory is honoured by her post, and you can read it here (Adam's story is part way down the page).
In order to honour Adam's memory, and perhaps help anyone who is, or know someone who is struggling with depression, I intend to share in the coming month what I have come to realize are 6 key messages that every child, and indeed every adult needs to hear every day. I hope that writing about these messages will help me to focus on ensuring that I am consistently communicating these messages to those who cross my path. You see, that's the thing about depression, you cannot easily see it or identify it in people...in fact, those with depression often describe the amazing lengths they go to in order to hide their depression from us. In truth, all of us are walking wounded, each of us carrying our history of hurts with us along our way. I believe the 6 key messages need to be heard by all of us...stay tuned

Where is your focus?

Natural disasters, such as recent floods in Calgary or the wildfires in Arizona, are an excellent reminder for us that there are some things that are simply beyond our control. Such events always remind me of Stephen Covey's circles of influence and concern. I have always thought of things or events as belonging in one of three circles: things I can control, things I can influence, and things that concern me but I have no control over. Reminding myself of these circles keeps me from spending a lot of time worrying about things over which I have no control or influence. Remembering these circles ensures that the time and energy I spend has at least the possibility of obtaining results.

The center circle in the image on the left is the circle of control...those events or things in my life where I, and I alone, have direct control over the outcome. Examples of this include how I approach my health (diet and exercise), how I choose to spend my free time, or how I will go about completing a work task or project. The middle circle is the circle of influence...those events or things in my life where, although I do not have total control I can influence the outcome. Examples would include things like family finances, where we will go on holiday, other people's opinions, or how I will obtain approval for certain aspects of a work project. The outer circle represents things over which I have no control or influence. Examples would include things like natural disasters, whether or not it will rain today, the state of the economy or budget decisions which may impact my project.

The best reason for choosing to focus our time and energy in the inner two circles is that in the end, our stress is lowered and change happens. Time and energy spent in the outer circle yields no result: I can worry about rain or fire or flood every minute of every day, but it will still happen. On the other hand, if I center my time and energy on things I can control and influence, I do obtain results. I can choose to become healthier by modifying diet or exercise and obtain results that are directly the result of that choice. I can choose to make my preferences known regarding a holiday destination, and influence the ultimate decision of where we will holiday. In each case, because I obtain some result, direct (weight loss) or indirectly (my perspective shared and understood) not only is stress lowered, but I feel better about myself as well. It seems that whenever I feel my stress increasing, my tolerance decreasing and anger and frustration hover just below the surface waiting to explode through at (usually) the most inopportune times, it is because I have allowed my time and energy to be lured into the circle of concern. I am at my best when I direct my time and energy to the inner two circles and focus on those areas where I can make a difference. Ultimately, isn't that what we all want to do?

Try not...

I came across this riddle the other day and for some reason it has stayed with me:

5 frogs are sitting on a log, four decide to jump off...how many are left?
Answer: 5. Why? Because there is a difference between deciding and doing!

I am not sure why this has resonated so deeply with me, except that perhaps it is a pretty accurate description of one of my biggest failings....lack of follow through. I am often deciding to do things....catch up with old friends over dinner, make a call to someone that I have been putting off, cleaning out the garage, posting to this blog regularly...the list seems endless when it comes to things I decide to do....follow through however, is another thing.

To be sure our lives are busy, and what we often think is a good idea at the start of the day or week can end up being something we just don't think we have the energy for at the end of the week. The conundrum is that doing the very things we don't think we have energy for can often energize simply by doing them. Looking through my list above, I have never caught up with old friends, made a call, completed a chore, or posted to this blog and NOT ended up feeling good about what I had done!

So how do we overcome this inertia? Well that my friends is indeed the question. If you have things that work for you, I would love to hear about it...As for me...I am going to start small. I didn't clean out the garage, but I did recycle some electronics that had been sitting in the garage collecting dust for a couple of years....and today I am posting to my blog - not a long post, but posting none the less. Perhaps if the tasks are less all encompassing they will be more achievable?

Time will tell, but for now I am going to focus more on doing and less on deciding. And to think that if I had really paid attention to Star Wars, I could have learned this lesson years ago. It was put so eloquently by Yoda: Try not. Do or do not. There is no try.